Chapter 1: Early Encounters with Love and Loss

Navigating the landscape of bipolar disorder often leads to questionable choices in relationships. For me, it began with a profound lack of self-esteem. I never felt attractive or deserving of love. Influenced by my mother's poor relationship decisions and the abuse I faced, I considered myself damaged. A mere glance from someone could prompt me to accept a marriage proposal that was never made. My heart cried out for affection.

And then tragedy struck.

The Devil Made Me Do It

At just fourteen, I felt an inexplicable connection to magic, a force that seemed to be an inherent part of me. However, discussing it openly was out of the question. Raised in a strict Southern Baptist household, we attended church on Sundays only to return home to a reality marred by abuse. My mother sought help from the youth leader, believing that my psychic abilities were manifestations of demonic influence.

I never intended to become a medium; it just happened. Many messages came through automatic writing, while others were from souls seeking connection. One particular spirit urged me to relay a message to her granddaughter, who coincidentally was a classmate of mine.

In my ninth-grade biology class, I was captivated by a boy with dark hair and deep brown eyes. His presence was magnetic, and when he slipped a book about magic onto my desk, it marked the beginning of our explorations into the mystical. We experimented with astral travel and spells, ultimately leading to unexpected consequences, including an unintended pregnancy at fifteen.

Fast forward to when he was eighteen: a tragic car accident took his life. His refusal of a blood transfusion, stemming from his Jehovah's Witness beliefs, sealed his fate. He was still so young.

Chapter 2: The Illusion of Salvation

As I turned twenty, I found myself in a complicated relationship with my best friend's brother. He was six-foot-four, charming, and the owner of a motorcycle. Our paths crossed after he attempted suicide, and I mistakenly believed I could save him. His tumultuous past included a lawsuit from his ex-wife and a new pregnancy, which led him down a dark path.

Despite my pregnancy with his child, he returned to his ex, abandoning me. Years later, I received news of his tragic death, the result of a drug overdose.

Chapter 3: A Troubled Heart

By twenty-one, I had three children from different fathers and a heavy emotional burden. I felt unlovable, tarnished by my past choices. Then, I met a firefighter-paramedic who initially seemed to offer a fresh start. He was responsible and caring—qualities I longed for. Yet, as our relationship progressed, I uncovered his darker side, including a dangerous addiction to pornography.

After two tumultuous years, we parted ways. Tragically, he took his own life shortly after, leaving behind a note expressing love for me, even as he grappled with disturbing secrets.

Chapter 4: The Stigma of the Black Widow

This series of events led to my reputation as the "Black Widow," a title I came to believe was justified due to the deaths surrounding my past relationships. Although I faced other failed relationships, none resulted in death; they simply revealed the ongoing struggle with my mental health and the choices I made.

Now in my fifties, I find myself questioning whether I will ever engage in a romantic relationship again. I've learned to be wary of my judgment in men and prefer solitude over the risk of heartbreak.

Despite years of personal growth and emotional healing, feelings of unworthiness linger. I recognize that I cannot escape the consequences of my past decisions. I choose to remain single to protect myself from further pain and to avoid repeating old patterns.

This first video explores the theme of love intertwined with darkness, resonating with my experiences.

The second video, a humorous take on the "Black Widow" concept, provides a light-hearted contrast to my heavy narrative.

In the end, I am not the Black Widow. I am not responsible for the choices others made. Yet, I remain unprepared to embrace love fully, and perhaps I will remain alone, reflecting on a life filled with lessons learned through love and loss.