Chapter 1: The Weight of Expectations

How are you doing today? As for me? Not great at all. It's just one of those days…

Photo by Kristopher Roller on Unsplash

Today, I'm feeling quite low. It's as if I've fallen into a deep hole with no energy left to climb out. What brought this on? My appearance, once again. I can't pinpoint exactly why my weight has been on my mind, but it brought me to tears. Just two hours ago, I returned from the gym, and all I wanted to do was cry when I got home. Why? Because I feel unattractive.

Why Do Beauty Standards Persist?

I often ponder whether beauty is a learned trait or something innate. Clearly, it's a combination of both. Scientifically, we're predisposed to find certain shapes, sounds, and images appealing, while others come off as unappealing or ugly. Yet, I firmly believe that the definitions of beauty we hold have been heavily influenced by mainstream media and prominent brands over time. These societal standards have caused immense distress, particularly for women, for countless years—if not centuries. And unfortunately, this cycle shows no signs of stopping.

Beauty ideals are deeply rooted in insecurities; they are unrealistic and ever-changing. Nevertheless, I have always felt that the standards of feminine beauty have remained relatively constant in the Western world. A beautiful woman has consistently been perceived as slim, fit, with long hair, delicate features, and a radiant complexion. This has been the benchmark for me. For over a decade, I've strived to meet these standards, yet I've never succeeded.

The Intrusiveness of Beauty Standards

I genuinely wish I could be indifferent. I wish I could look in the mirror and feel content with my reflection. I wish scrolling through social media didn’t leave me feeling inadequate. I wish I could enjoy food without guilt or the nagging thought of how many calories I'd need to burn later. But reality is different. Beauty standards are pervasive and, in my opinion, have intensified with the rise of platforms like Instagram and TikTok (which I don’t use, by the way). Our bodies have become commodities, utilized for selling, persuading, and influencing.

Attractive bodies are highlighted because they capture attention and are, therefore, marketable. The more these "ideal" bodies are showcased, the more we begin to believe that only they deserve our admiration and respect. This is a dangerous mindset, and it has negatively impacted my mental health in ways I struggle to articulate. Because I perceive myself as unattractive (i.e., not fitting the beauty mold), I tend to devalue my worth.

It all began in high school, where I adopted the habit of self-devaluation. My mind quickly recognized that I was below average in terms of physical attractiveness, creating an automatic response: wherever I go, I feel inferior (at least in terms of appearance).

Navigating Those Tough Days

I don’t obsess about my looks every minute of every day, but I do think about it frequently. There are days, like today, when thoughts about my appearance loom large. Deep down, I understand where these feelings stem from, yet I still find myself feeling down. I envision a world where beauty standards don’t exist, where physical appearance isn’t prioritized, and where individuals are valued for their intelligence, empathy, talents, and skills instead of their looks. I long for a life free from the constant concern about how my clothes fit or my weight. I wish the desire to lose weight didn’t consume so much of my mental energy.

What Lies Ahead?

For now, I must accept that these feelings may linger for years to come and that significant change isn’t imminent. I also recognize the need to engage with social media cautiously, as I've seen how harmful it can be for me. All I can do is sit with my emotions and thoughts, holding onto the hope that brighter days are ahead. I am who I am, and my body is what it is; change won’t happen overnight. Will I ever feel physically comfortable in my skin? I can’t say for sure, but I hope to find peace, if not love, someday.