Title: Embracing Independence: Disappointing Parents with Pride
Written on
Chapter 1: Understanding Independence
In another context, I engage with singles, discussing how they aren’t any less complete than their coupled counterparts. Recently, a podcast listener—who I genuinely hope recognizes her worth—reached out for advice about her parents’ hesitance regarding her decision to move across the country. They had no issues with her younger sister’s previous relocation because she is married. This situation perfectly intertwines two of my passions: the topic of singlehood and the experiences of Baby Boomers. Whenever possible, I aim to help individuals liberate themselves from the emotional constraints tied to both.
For a more detailed version of my response, you can check out my podcast episode here, but I believe my written thoughts, refined over the past week, may resonate better with you. After all, some of us prefer reading over listening—I've never engaged with audiobooks, and I don’t intend to.
Here’s a crucial insight that many of us didn’t receive growing up: as adults, you have the freedom to pursue your desires, regardless of your parents' wishes. It’s entirely acceptable to prioritize your own life choices, even if it means disappointing them. If they struggle to love you despite your decisions, that reflects on them, not you. Our generation was raised under the notion that we were responsible for managing our parents' feelings. No wonder it feels impossible to make even the simplest decisions without their approval!
When your existence revolves around someone else's happiness, your personal desires often diminish in importance. While pleasing others can be enjoyable, allowing it to dictate your life is an ineffective way to live.
Section 1.1: The Challenge of Parental Approval
I understand all too well how difficult it can be to pursue paths that your parents may not endorse, especially when they prefer a life that keeps you close and under their control. It’s important to remember: your parents no longer hold authority over your choices—you do.
If our parents can’t validate our decisions simply because we are single (or we don’t fit their expectations in terms of employment or family), it raises the question of whether they can genuinely accept our viewpoints. It baffles me that they might not trust their own upbringing. They raised us; shouldn’t they have faith in our ability to make sound choices?
Moreover, it’s ironic that they often think we are incomplete until we attach ourselves to someone they don’t know—a stranger—despite having known us our entire lives.
Section 1.2: Recognizing Our Worth
It’s not our responsibility to convince our parents of our validity or capability. If they fail to recognize our worth until after we achieve what they deem significant, it’s frustrating and disrespectful.
So, what can we do? I don’t expect you to remain stagnant; I’m not advocating for that. There are constructive actions we can take, even if they feel uncomfortable initially.
In my view, achieving a sense of freedom and ownership over our lives involves a conscious effort to separate from our parents—not in a drastic, severing manner, but through meaningful choices that affirm our autonomy.
Chapter 2: Steps Towards Autonomy
First, acknowledge that your parents are no longer the decision-makers in your life. Although seeking their approval can feel comforting, it inadvertently gives them control over your life choices. Freedom from parental oversight extends beyond just enjoying newfound liberties; it encompasses significant life decisions they no longer have a say in.
The second step is to redefine who holds the title of “Most Important Person” in your life. Society often instills the idea that we must anchor ourselves to someone, typically our parents, until adulthood. However, as we grow, we don’t need to seek out a replacement. You should become the focal point of your own life. Your choices should only require your own approval. Though it may seem daunting, it’s also liberating.
By stepping into the role of your own support system, you free yourself from dependency. Acknowledging your authority over your life opens new possibilities. You can foster love without dependency and respect without diminishing yourself. Remember, it’s not our job to “fix” our parents; they were responsible for our upbringing, and now it’s time for them to trust their efforts.