The Impact of Excessive Praise

Expressions of praise like "good job" or "fantastic effort" flooded my children's early experiences in preschool. Although these compliments were well-intentioned, I found them somewhat unsettling. My son, for example, would vehemently deny the praise for his artwork, insisting, "No it isn't!" He had a clear vision of what he wanted to create and felt unsatisfied with external validation.

The Disconnect

You might wonder why praise doesn’t always boost self-esteem. The truth is, if it doesn't align with one's personal standards or aspirations, it can feel hollow. Judgments can strip us of our sense of agency, leading to a diminished self-view. This, in turn, affects our self-esteem and our overall sense of belonging in the world.

Defining Self-Esteem

Many equate self-esteem with confidence, self-love, or even pride. Nathaniel Branden, in his book "steem," articulates it as consisting of two vital components: Self-efficacy—the confidence to face life’s hurdles, and Self-respect—the belief that one deserves happiness.

The Path to Building Self-Esteem

So, how can we nurture these elements? The key lies in taking ownership of our lives, identifying our core values, and remaining committed to them.

Though this may sound straightforward, the reality is that we face daily challenges that test our resolve. Short-term comforts often lure us away from meaningful growth, leading to stagnation.

Reflect on these habits:

• Dependence on praise (whether giving or receiving)
• Avoidance of conflict
• Relinquishing responsibility
• Frequent distractions
• Procrastination
• Hypocrisy
• People-pleasing

A Constructive Approach

What alternatives exist? Branden proposes six foundational pillars of self-esteem that require daily practice. Enhancing self-esteem isn't a matter of flipping a switch; it demands time and determination, with progress often being nonlinear.

1. Living Consciously: Stay present and mindful, actively seeking feedback while distinguishing between facts and emotions. We should focus on actions rather than excuses, commit to lifelong learning, and let our values guide our behavior.
2. Self-Acceptance: Embrace all aspects of ourselves, showing compassion even for our flaws. Genuine acceptance is vital for true growth.
3. Self-Responsibility: Own your decisions and actions, and actively pursue your goals. Instead of conforming passively, ask yourself, "What must I do to achieve my desires?"
4. Self-Assertiveness: Understand and advocate for your needs without resorting to aggression. Authentic self-expression requires courage.
5. Living Purposefully: Purpose involves proactive goal-setting rather than leaving things to chance. Goals provide energy and direction, helping us track progress and learn from failures.
6. Personal Integrity: Align your actions with your values and morals. Recognizing the gap between actions and morals can help mitigate guilt and promote accountability.

Accepting the Challenge

It’s essential to acknowledge that improving self-esteem is challenging. It involves tough decisions rather than superficial compliments. However, the journey is worthwhile, as living consciously can both instigate and reflect high self-esteem.

Self-Esteem in Practice

I consider myself a work in progress regarding self-esteem. My sense of self-worth fluctuates based on circumstances and feelings. Choosing a conscious lifestyle, especially as a freelancer, can be liberating yet daunting. I strive for deeper self-acceptance and more proactive responsibility, while assertiveness remains a challenge.

I focus on encouraging my children through specific feedback rather than excessive praise, though I sometimes falter. It's important to remember that perfection isn't the goal; continuous improvement is.

Reflecting on Your Journey

How conscious is your life? What areas could you enhance? We often recognize our shortcomings, and the decision to confront or ignore them lies solely with us.

Key Takeaways

To elevate your self-esteem, seize every chance to practice:

• Being present and mindful
• Accepting all facets of your being
• Taking ownership of your actions
• Expressing assertiveness without aggression
• Defining and pursuing your purpose
• Upholding your integrity

To paraphrase: we are defined by our choices and actions. If you're an educator looking to apply these principles to foster self-esteem in your students, consider joining the program I am leading this summer.